#sorry to anyone experiencing it for the first time!
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𝐕𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐨 𝐃𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐲 | 𝐏.𝐒𝐇
⌞♡⸝⸝ 𝐒𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬⌝ There it was , the camera you always used in your younger years to record yourself at least once a week or record special moments — it was your little diary. You filmed yourself growing up , significant moments — it also included your love story with your husband and your child . Surely watching all the footage wouldn't be bad, right? ⌞♡⸝⸝𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬⌝ sfw content, lovestory, wedding ceremony, only the ending is in the present (everything else is from the past), "present time" plays in 2032, Reader is the same age as Sunghoon, kissing , young teens in love ⌞♡⸝⸝ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭⌝ 3k
⌞♡⸝⸝ 𝐃𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐲'𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞⌝ Not gonna lie , i got a bit emotional while writing this, reblogs and feedback are appreciated!
A silver colored Digital camera with cute stickers on it and a beaded charm , that was the camera you used when you were younger — it was dusty now , you haven’t used or touched it in a while. It’s fascinating how many precious things one can find while cleaning the attic — old pictures , clothes your child wore as a baby , a box that contained stuff from highschool and college , but the most precious thing was your digital camera — a tiny memory card in it that held years of precious memories , a quick look wouldn’t hurt , right?
"It's the 15th of December in 2019 , I'm currently 17 years old", You moved your hand away from the camera as you turned it on , an awkward smile on your face as you looked at it. "Oh wow... this is really awkward.. Hello Diary or future me or anyone who found it i guess ? I've decided to lead a little video diary to watch back in the future , hopefully with a Partner by my side and possibly a child ? I thought it would be cute to watch it together in the future and watch me grow up or to look back on good memories. But that's not the only reason , this will be very embarrassing for me if i will end up with someone else but — i met a really cute boy at the Ice rink today. He doesn’t know I exist yet but I’m planning on going to the Ice rink again tomorrow and hopefully see him again! He’s really cute , very handsome and a bit anti-social so I don’t know if I will have the courage to talk to him tomorrow — he’s unapproachable! From what I have seen , he’s a figure skater — It’s like he’s flying on Ice with how graceful his movements are , like a bird who got freed from its cage. Well , whoever is watching this and I didn’t end up with him and has to watch me talk about another boy — I am very sorry!”, an almost embarrassed expression made its way on your face , your hand that was covered by your sleeve covering your mouth to cover up the silly grin you had on your face as you let out a squeal of embarrassment before hurriedly shutting off the camera.
God , your expressions never changed , you still had that same expression whenever you were embarrassed. The next video started to play, but it wasn’t a video of you — it was a video of Sunghoon when he was younger. The video dated back to a week later of the first video you filmed — it seems like you didn’t have the courage to talk to him after the first video after all.
He wore his usual training tracksuit he always wore when he trained , a monotone expression on his face. The camera followed the directions he glided across the ice to , his movements experienced and graceful, he looked so free on the ice rink — the ice rink was his home. “Look at her watching him with that flustered expression”, it was your friend's voice , the camera panning to you — a small fond smile on your face as your eyes practically sparkled while watching him before you looked at the camera in embarrassment. “Shut up!”, you giggled shyly as you tried to move the camera away from you but soon got distracted by watching him again , a soft sigh falling from your lips as you watched him do an axel. Your friend put their hand on your shoulder as they gently shook you. “Come on (Y/n) , just talk to him! The worst he can do is say no or ignore you!”, your friend laughed softly as they tried to encourage you to talk to him before the video cut off. It started to film again , your friend seemingly filming you secretly as you did your move on him. Your back got filmed so only Sunghoon was visible from the front — a surprised expression on his face before his cheeks flushed as he grinned while nodding his head. Your friend whispered a quiet ‘Yes!’ as you got Sunghoon’s number , their happiness and excitement for you is visible in their voice. Your friend continued to film the whole interaction before you walked towards them once Sunghoon had to get back to training , a happy and excited expression on your face as you tried to suppress your squeals but they ultimately came out once you reached your friend. You were so happy on that day after finally being able to talk to the boy who you had been eyeing and also getting his number.
The video ended and the next videos were just you filming Sunghoon on several days when he was ice skating , it was clear how much he loved it — his first love , the ice rink , that would never change. Your voice could be heard in the background , silently gushing about how pretty he looks on ice and how good he is at ice skating — compliments that always made his heart swell up with pride. There were also short clips you had taken when you were with Sunghoon , having met up regularly to hang out or watch him practice — short clips from the scenery you two were at , pictures of when Sunghoon took you out and you’d see something looked pretty, pictures of Sunghoon or short clips of the two of you. Your smile was so bright and whenever you’d look away , Sunghoon would look at you with eyes as soft as a pillow — eyes sparkling with a fond smile on his face. He was falling for you.
The next video played but you were giggling while glancing to your left before you spoke up. “It’s been a while since I last properly filmed something , it’s the 14th of february 2020 and , Sunghoon over here wanted me to film my reaction to something”, you panned the camera into his direction to which he’d grin and cover his face with the sleeve of his sweater before moving out of frame. “Don’t show me! It’s embarrassing!”, he could be heard whining in the background to which you could only giggle. Judging by your Background , the two of you were in your room. You sat up a bit and placed your camera on your window ledge since you two were on your bed that was right next to your window. “Alright , close your eyes”, Sunghoon said as he was rummaging through his back judging by the rustling noises and you did close your eyes — the corners of your lips twitching as you tried to bite back the smile that was starting to grow on your face.
With your hands held open and eyes closed , you felt something getting placed in your hand — your cheeks growing hot as you opened your eyes just to see a small black velvet box in your hands. You looked at Sunghoon in surprise to which he just urged you to open it with a shy smile on his face. You slowly opened the box and the camera captured your expression perfectly , the look of genuine surprise on your face was a sight he loved. “Sunghoon, this was probably so expensive!”, you gasped as your nimble fingers lifted up the thin silver chain with a delicate heart pendant attached to it , an icy blue gem in the middle of it — there was something under the gem that made it look as if the blue gem was frozen on the inside. “Nothing’s too expensive if it makes you happy”, Sunghoon mumbled as he moved into the frame , your mattress dipping under his weight as he kneeled behind you and brushed your hair to the side before grabbing the necklace from your fingers — the silver was cool against your skin as he held it in front of you and locked the clasp.
“Don’t look at me… I have something to tell you”, Sunghoon started with a soft sigh as he placed his hands on your shoulders before he ran them down your arms , his hand finding yours while his chest was pressed against your back with his chin on your shoulder. He didn’t care if he was going to get rejected or not since your camera was still running — it would be embarrassing if you were to reject him on camera but it would be a great memory if you accept it. “(Y/n).... I’m not really good with expressing my emotions or feelings so I apologize if this will be awkward, I’m trying my best but… I really like you. You’re more than just a friend to me , if I had to compare you to something, I’d compare you to an Ice rink. With you I can be myself , I don’t have to put on an act — you make me feel free and like nothing could ever get to me. You don’t judge me or tell me to be different , you’re always there for me and support and comfort me. You turn the thoughts in my head off and make me feel at peace. I…I want to go out with you… but only if you want to as well?”, the camera focused on you as you tried to stay calm but on the inside , your heart was doing backflips while Sunghoon felt as if his heart was going to jump out any second with how hard it was pounding against his chest — he just indirectly told you that you were his first love. You turned your head a little to the side so you could look at him , his eyes shifting to look back at you. “I want to , I really do. You don’t know how happy you’ve made me with that”, you said with a silly smile on your face , his facial expression matching yours as he heard what you had said — his arms moving to circle around your waist to hug you. His eyes were intensively staring into you — a hint of hesitance and desire glimmering in his brown orbs. “Can I kiss you..?”, he whispered softly , your heart doing another flip as you nodded your head gently — his right hand moved up to the side of your face as he leaned in , turning your face more towards him as best as he could , keeping your position in mind , before kissing you gently.
‘Oh we were so young and so in love.’ , the corners of his lips twitched up into a subtle smile.
There weren’t any videos after that from the same year ,the year after , the year after the last year and the year after the last year again. The next video was a video that was cut together , a long one that didn’t have an ending to it , you didn’t finish editing it. It started with the previously watched videos before there was a huge jump — you looked older , more mature , this was back in 2026. A bright smile was on your face , your eyes shining so brightly that they could light up a whole room. You wore a white dress , your hands covering your mouth as you looked at your reflection , eyes teary and looking like diamonds shimmering in the light. “It’s the 14th of February in 2026 and…. I can’t believe it , my best friend is getting married”, it was your best friend's voice trembling with emotions , they were close to tears , just like you were. They moved towards you to film you as you dabbed your tears away from the inner corners of your eyes to ruin your makeup , your giggles being heard clearly on the footage. “I’m getting married to the love of my life , I can’t believe this is true”, you sniffled as you smiled into the camera. There was a cut and the next scene came , Sunghoon’s mother and sister hugging you while complementing how pretty you looked in your wedding dress before your Mom placed the veil on your head , handing you your bouquet of forget-me-not — possibly an usual flower to use for a wedding bouquet but you didn’t care ,you liked the meaning of them. “Are you ready?”, your mom asked softly as she put her hands on your shoulder , her eyes teary as she looked at you — her little girl was getting married ,the day had come and your mother wasn’t sure if she was the one ready for it. “Yes”, you nodded your head as you gave your mom a soft smile before she hugged you.
There was another cut and the next scene played , the wedding ceremony started. The beautiful tunes of the pipe organ started the ceremony , the wooden doors opening as you walked in with your dad by your side , the camera panned to film Sunghoon who was nervously waiting for you by the altar. His hands were trembling as you finally stood in front of him , his hand taking yours gently as he whispered something that couldn’t be heard — but his lips moved so clearly that anyone could see that he whispered that you looked beautiful. Your backs turned to the camera as the priest spoke up and you exchanged your vows. Your friend zoomed the camera in to clearly capture Sunghoon and you putting your rings on each other before he slowly lifted your veil. He was no crier, he rarely cried but to get married to the girl he loved got his waterworks working , his glossy eyes twinkling in the eyes as he exhaled a shaky breath while he caressed the side of your face with his left hand. “You may kiss the Bride”, he didn’t need to be told twice as he leaned down and gently kissed you , cheers and happy crying erupting in the church as the deal had been sealed. The video cut again and the next shots were from the wedding — you throwing your bouquet and his sister catching it , the two of you cutting your wedding cake , the two of you having your wedding dance before switching to him dancing with his mother and you dancing with your dad before the video cut again. The change of scenery was you filming a house while the “sold” sign was being removed from the lawn , Sunghoon could be seen carrying furniture into the house together with your Father in law and your own dad before you turned the camera towards you.
“It’s the 10th of July in 2027 and we’ve finally moved out of our Apartment and are in the process of moving into our new House. Baby ,we did it! The renovations are finally done and we can start our own family properly!”, you said in excitement with a bright smile on your face. “We did it… we’ve gotten so far , I’m so proud of us”, your voice cracked a little as you started to get emotional as realization finally hit you. “We’re married , have our own home and… it won’t be long until we’ll finally meet our little Princess”,you moved the camera in an angle that showed your swollen belly , you were 6 months pregnant at the time — you were glowing , looking so pretty in your gorgeous sundress. Your eyes were starting to get teary as all the emotions hit you at once and you pointed the camera to the ground as you tried to pull yourself together. “Are you okay my love? Why are you crying? Do you not feel good?”, Sunghoon’s worried voice could be heard as he came to you , the shadows on the pavement showing that he was hugging you and kissing your forehead while you laughed softly and sniffled that you were just getting emotional.
The video cut again and this time it was Sunghoon who was filming, his tone hushed as he spoke. “It’s the 15th of October 2027 and… our little girl is finally here”, he turned the camera so it was focused on you sleeping in the hospital bed with your newborn sleeping on your chest — his fingers adjusting your hospital gown since it was pulled down a bit as you were breastfeeding previously. His hand moved up to your face , gently brushing your messy hair away from your forehead. “My pretty girl…. I’m so proud of you , you did so well and now , our pretty princess has set foot into the world , our little angel”, his tone was soft and hushed , barely a whisper as he moved the cameras a bit to film your sleeping baby girl , his fingers gently touching the newborns hand just for the small hand to open and grasp onto his index finger. “My pretty girls… I will do anything to protect the two of you”, with that , the video cut again and the next video clips started to play. Clips of your daughter growing up , from her starting to crawl to her first time standing , from her first steps to her teeth growing and her starting to speak, to her first time swimming and her crying when Sunghoon had to be away for a couple days — she was a daddy’s girl for sure. But then , there was nothing , you haven’t filmed for a while.
His small smile shifted into a sad one , his eyes filled with grief — how would you be able to film when you weren’t here anymore? It happened two years ago , a car accident — you fell into a coma before ultimately passing away. He couldn’t stop grieving , not now , not in ten years , not even when he’s old and wrinkly — maybe not even until he will die. He had to fight back his tears , he couldn’t cry , not now , not when he knew that his little princess was watching him right now. “Daddy…. I miss mommy…”, the little girl said , he wasn’t aware that she went to look for him and found him in the attic watching the videos — the little girl watching from behind. He sighed softly as he gathered himself but his glossy eyes couldn’t be hidden as he turned around to look at his daughter and opened his arms to hug her as she walked towards him.
“Me too… Daddy misses Mommy too …”
#𐙚⋆°.⋆𓊆 𝓓𝓸𝓵𝓵𝔂.𝓦𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮𝓼 𓊇#𐙚⋆°.⋆𓊆 𝓢𝓕𝓦𓊇#𐙚⋆°.⋆𓊆 𝓔𝓷𝓱𝓪 𓊇#enhypen x reader#enha x reader#enhypen ff#enhypen fluff#enhypen fanfiction#enha ff#enha fanfic#enha fluff#enhypen sunghoon fluff#enhypen sunghoon ff#enhypen sunghoon x reader#park sunghoon x reader#park sunghoon imagines#park sunghoon fluff#park sunghoon fanfic
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I hope everyone is ready for the 4/3/2024 Dannypocalypse!
Sorry I can't be there in person (long work conflicts), but I think I had all the 2024 posts scheduled by last night!
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just a few javieran horse headcanons because i like them a normal amount
branwen
- tall AND fat. kieran makes sure he’s always fed (maybe even accidentally a teensy bit overfed. just because kieran can’t help but indulge him when he butts him with his head or nuzzles at his pockets when he knows there’s treats in there. but never too much because ‘obesity is a problem, even in animals !’). probably about 17hh, taller than average for a kentucky saddler but nothing too big. especially since kieran himself is quite tall
- VERY well-tempered, both naturally, as well as because kieran has literally made him bulletproof. bagged him, blanketed him, stood, jumped, backflipped onto and off of him. this kindly gentleman of a horse only spooks when he wants to be bratty specifically.
- i think he’s about 6 or so, came from the stables kieran worked at after being orphaned, he was just a colt when kieran was just a kid. kieran learned how to birth foals quickly, and branwen happened to be one of them. with the way that they fell in love with each other and the way that branwen whinnied and pranced up to the fence when kieran came back to buy him after the army didn’t work out, you’d think that horse was born just for him.
- his favourite treats, in order, are rutabaga (kieran’s secret for branwen’s glossy coat. also why he’s kinda fat.), boiled potatoes mixed into his oats, apples, and fresh greens. he’s simultaneously incredibly easy to please because of the simplicity of the latter parts of his favourites list and also very needy and complicated because kieran so loves to make his pony happy with his absolute favourite treats, so he tries his very best to get branwen’s eccentric tastes pleased once falling into the VDL’s.
- i always say “a horse’s favourite thing to do is hurt itself”, and i think this statement holds relatively true for branwen as well, though there’s a 25% chance that he’s actually hurt, a 50% chance that he’s only mildly injured or spooked and he’s playing it up to get kieran to dote on him, and a 25% chance that he will protect kieran with his life when they’re in a dire situation (see: snake on the ground or gunfire nearby. or even god forbid a spare tumbleweed find it’s way rolling nearby.) despite kieran’s last wish being his horse getting injured. branwen thinks that he’s gotta be The Man and protect his dad sometimes. it does not help in any situation ever whatsoever.
- branwen is the PERFECT companion for a trail riding date. he’s settled, calm, has a great gait, and as a gelding, truly is not worried about other horses being “faster” than him, so he never gets rowdy nor has any problems when partner riders/horses crowd him. kieran is allowed to ask for as many kisses as he pleases because branwen will never jump when javier’s gold-tipped boots poke him in the side and boaz irritatedly flicks his flank with his tail. truly a goated wingman. also never complains about long rides, and enjoys being out of camp with his rider for as much as physically possible for both of them, so he’s never barnsour in either direction.
boaz
- as an american paint, he’s naturally short and stocky. saddle ends up being a bit loose, though, as javier isn’t as dedicated to keeping him perfectly fed or groomed. he loves him, sure, but horses are somewhat of tools to him, so he kinda does slightly more than bare minimum to keep him kempt and healthy. around 14.5hh, slightly shorter than average and quite dense with muscle
- temperamentally a bit volatile. this horse has just as much drama as his rider, if not a little more. doesn’t like something ? ridden too long ? that stick looks too much like a snake ? hasn’t spent enough time with kieran that day ? he will snort and grunt and bunny hop if javi isn’t on him, and shudder hard enough the saddle shakes underneath him if he is. boaz likes to please his rider, but he also demands pleasure himself, and has no issue with “accidentally” placing a hoof on his owners nice, intentionally clean boots, and subsequently slowly leaning more and more of his weight onto it when he doesn’t immediately get what he wants. bratty pony. generally, he keeps javier safe, though, when it comes down to it.
- around 5 years old. after dutch found javier trying to steal chickens the first time they met, he soon took him back to that ranch and their first take as gang leader and member was a 1 year old grey paint colt for javi to train and subsequently ride. until he was rideable, javier rode a morgan that was formerly hosea’s, named carolina, while he lead boaz everywhere behind him.
- favourite treats, in order, are corn cobs (especially dried), prickly pear fruit AND cactus, sugar cubes, and sliced apples. will force javier to share his maiz with him. javier has always sliced his apples up since he was a colt, not only because javi simply finds comfort in toying with his knife, but also because boaz will not eat them otherwise. javi will also cut all of the spines off of the cactus before letting boaz eat them.
- in terms of injury, boaz is the most dramatic tank on the planet. this horse could arthur morgan-style run face first into a tree and then fall off a cliff and walk it off. but not before he gimps and limps and whines and teeth grinds his way into javier leading him instead of riding him for the next mile or two. once kieran started taking care of him, there is also a 25% chance of boaz faking a terribly painful injury just to get kieran to dote on him.
- kinda the worst wingman ever LMFAO easily annoyed, easily aroused, easily offended, and as a stallion, HAS to walk in front of the “herd” (his rider’s boyfriend and his horse). pins his ears back, smashes into personal space, flicks branwen with his tail (and preferably kieran, if he can reach him) even sometimes will nip at branwen if the latter tries to calmly make this date a date and not a life or death race (whoever loses, their dad is gay) and walk side-by-side to aid their riders’ hand holdings. will make executive decisions via stopping or veering off for fresh green grass beside the trail, will at points actively attempt to shudder javier out of his saddle (has succeeded once when javi was distracted by a story being excitedly told by kieran), and will also spook and take off running so fast javier thinks it must have broken his neck from the velocity. generally makes trail rides a living hell, but kieran finds it charming, and it makes for some cute shoujo-style “omg … *reaches out to help you up after your horse bucks you off because he saw a log that looked nothing at all and everything like a cougar and pink and white soft bubbles surround me* are you okay ? here, let me help.” moments. maybe some day boaz will be allowed off of the national american terrorist list written by javier “rizzless rider” escuella
ok im tired and that’s all i can think of please enjoy and feel free to contribute 👍 i love them so bad im gona cry
#i’m at the gym for the first time since my od and ouugghh i’m so emotional#it’s 2am aslo. ouu they haunt me#i love thinking about them being silly little domestic cowboys#and just going on dates and riding their little horsies#my fav horse girls !1!!11!1!1!! even tho javi isn’t a horse girl really but in my heart he is cuz kieran loves trail rides#and so javieran go on trail rides a lot as well as “’riding into town’ as an excuse to get out of camp together#javier is so good at listening he truly learned the art of shutting up when he couldn’t speak english and also was learning in america that#he really should trust sparingly because the new world was so incredibly hostile to him from the start simply for being who he was and where#he came from#so he’s such a great active listener and while it’s kinda a trauma response it also works very well for javierans relationship because kiera#has never in his life ever felt important or safe or like anything he said mattered to anyone so perfect brilliant ‘i’m listening go on’ jab#vier makes kieran feel so loved and heard in ways he’s never ever in his life experienced and javi takes them fishing and riding and to the#stables constantly because he’s LISTENED to kieran and kieran never has to ask to do something he wants to do because javi’s already HEARD h#im (and he also knows kieran would never ask for anything first ever because he never feels like he deserves anything at all. nor even feels#safe enough to dare).#and javier gets his cake and eats it too when kieran asks and asks and asks because kieran cares about EVERYTHING right from the getgo beau#se unlike javier kieran has been entirely unable to turn his heart off at all in any capacity so he loves and loves ans loves against his wi#ll so javier has been so adored from the start because kieran can’t HELP it so he gets him gifts and learns things for him and javi just as#much never has to ask for much other than courage from kieran. ever. can anyone hear me is anyone lidtening ouuu#ok enough sorry they make me so emptipnal#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#javieran#kieran duffy#javier escuella#text#hero's talking to himself again#hero’s waxing poetry again#i think that was the tag ¿#im gonna throw up i miss them so bad they’re everything to me oouuggyuuuy
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wishing everyone who celebrates a happy easter and an even happier transgender day of visibility 🐣🪩🫶🪽
#went to church with my mom for the first time in years just because we thought it could be fun (it was!) and im thinking about. themes#resurrection and rebirth belongs to trans and nonbinary people and if i was going to pray i would thank god for making me queer !!!#the middle picture is from a disco themed university party we had on (holy) thursday where i had So much fun#(the crucifix earring was Mostly ironic and for the aesthetic)#been experiencing a lot of queer joy lately. as well as some new and complicated but Good feelings about gender. and maybe religion as well#anyway.#easter#religion#gender#tdov#trans day of visibility#lgbtq#queer#mine#💛#religion mention#christianity mention#<- just in case people dont want to see anything to do with religion in the trans tags today (or ever) !! <3 sorry if i missed something#edit: i originally also had a quote from julian k. jarboe here about humanity partaking in the act of creation#but i didnt realize the quote was from a jewish person regarding judaism so i removed it from the association with easter and christianity#the quote itself slaps and idk to what degree different religions and discussions or art about them should be kept separated !!#but im not the authority on that and ofc dont want to make anyone uncomfortable !!
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Sorry for slow moving content/communication. I love to write, it's no obligation and if anything I'd prefer to write and draw over school anytime.
I'm just a little depressed right now, school and work together are making me very tired. I'm failing some classes and I feel very a little down because of it, I wish college wasn't so hard :-(
#i feel like this is the hardest I've ever worked in my life#I've always been considered a 'gifted' child growing up#I was in honors and AP#so failing for the first time really stings#I've never been this sad before#I've been told it's not the end of the world but I'm scared#It's all still new to me#i hope i can retake the class#i hate ranting sorry please block the 🩹 tag if you don't like seeing it >.<#I want to have the energy to write sooo very badly#🩹#💬#i love my job it's not hard and the people there are like family#job is not the issue for those wondering#Does anyone have any experience with failing a college class?#I'd love to hear from another person's perspective#Because to me this is the worst thing I've ever experienced
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#(huge relieved sigh)#I'm emotional over the little community that I get to participate in here#been on Tumblr over 10 years#been in multiple fandoms that I've made content for#and this is the first time I've experienced this level of interaction and community#first time I've had mutuals and had that actually mean something#I'm still terrified of unknowingly doing something rude or wrong or annoying (which is why I struggle so much to tag people) but#idk I'm starting to feel braver#I'm actually getting emotional thinking about it#sorry I'm just#maybe rereading symphony and noticing how lonely Violist-chan is has got me focused on how lonely I am too#and yeah it's not like I'm anyone's actual friend on here but just being able to interact and participate and be welcomed is...#idk#there's this gnawing ache in my chest all the time but this little community brings me sparks of joy that I haven't felt in a long time#sorry ignore me I'm just#i don't know#I'm trying to express my gratitude but I'm not doing a very good job#if anyone actually reads this just know I'm trying to say thank you for being nice and for letting me be feral over turtles with you#and i hope you're all having a good day
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I don't know why most other artists i've faced in my life refuse to help or support or befriend or work with me in any way because they're obsessed with making art a competition. i'm the least competitive person you will ever meet. what's being kind and helpful and supportive and cooperative towards me going to do to you?! i'm not good enough at art to even be a threat if I tried! I don't get why they act like this towards me. I cant do anything to hurt your art career, so why are you trying to hurt mine?! I don't get it.
#anyone else feel this? and dont get it?#and if youre the type of artist that tries to compete with everyone and refuses to support smaller artists but climbs up bigger ones#like a kitten trying to steal food out of their hand....why. why are you like this. why cant you be normal.#why cant we all help and support each other?????????#art#artist#artist on tumblr#small art account#small artist#small creator#lee text#sorry for this random rant. im just tired and disappointed that i cant get other artists to cooperate with me#and stop pulling me into competitions i never signed up for!!!!!!!#im never allowed to be oart of groups or collabs because theyre too strict and elitist and for what#because they think ill try to use them to get ahead??? so they only want artists they can use instead? pathetic and gross mindset!!!#i can never get anyone to talk about this stuff with me. i get ignored as if im the only one noticing or experiencing it#but that might just be because im the only artist not trying to compete with other artists and I SEE US ALL AS EQUALS#you hear that?! none of you are better than me even if you make a million dollars on art. sit your ass down#and none of you are below me either even if you picked up a pencil fkr the first time yesterday!#humble yourself and treat other better and support each other and cooperate more. it might help you in the end#i probably posted about some of the bad artist experiences i had while trying to do a collab and getting bullied rhe whole time#or the new artists i tried to befriend who straight up said theyre better than me and treated me like a fan instead of an equal#that pisses me off lmao i hate that kind of behavior#ok im done back to silly lil guy posting~
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Saw a post earlier of someone being like "see how my puppy isn't bothering me while I eat and is minding his own business playing in the other room? That's because in this house animals aren't ever allowed to have people food from the moment they come home with me so they never even learn to want it." The post and most of the comments on it were very high and mighty "I'm a better owner than other people, I'm the boss of my dog, I don't allow my dog to offend me by showing desire for highly desirable resources" attitude and were very much judging other people for not having the same boundaries and annoyances about dog behaviors around food with their own dogs in their own homes and I just like... absolutely can not relate at all, tbh. There is a type of person who uses phrases like "people food" unironically, thinks that dogs being allowed to have good things that are usually intended for humans is somehow offensive and wrong, gets annoyed by a dog even being allowed to exist in the same room when people are eating, and thinks a dog just looking at them for more than 30 seconds while they have food or hanging out watching them doing stuff is the dog bothering them and being rude, and every time I encounter this type of person it makes me wonder why they even own a dog when they clearly hate natural dog behaviors and are bothered by dogs just wanting to be around people, do things with them, and receive human attention more than once in a blue moon.
When I make breakfast after I wake up and take it to my room to eat Hermes always eagerly follows right behind me because he expects he's going to get something from me. That expectation is almost always correct, and I feel absolutely zero shame about it. Him laying calmly at my feet or next to my chair quietly watching me eat is not "bothering me". He's quite literally not doing anything to be a bother, he's just patiently chilling. If a dog hanging out nearby and calmly watching while people eat bothers you enough to consider that bad nosey behavior that is deserving of you ridiculing other dog owners for allowing it that's uhhh... weird af? At least to me it's weird, sorry not sorry. Like maybe you actually just don't like having dogs around then if they can bother you without even really doing anything? Cuz IDK about y'all but I love my dogs hanging around me and wanting to be close to me and even seeking engagement from me. I love them being excited about being around me and following me around because they know I give them good things. I also like having their attention and eyes on me in general - especially Hermes, as a dog of a breed that is often more environmentally focused than handler focused and whose attention I've had to work for and earn. Looking at me is something that I specifically reward all my dogs for and immediately start to capture during their initial introductions to clicker training because I find it to be beneficial during training sessions (as well as a good way to charge the clicker), so it would be ridiculous and unfair for me to get annoyed by it and discourage it in other scenarios like when I'm eating. In fact, I see Hermes calmly laying down nearby and politely seeking eye contact with me whenever I look his way while I'm eating my breakfast as a sign that he knows how to act to get what he wants because he understands his training well, and that he is putting that training to work by being an attentive calm good boy and waiting patiently for me to respect my end of the deal that I have taught him and give him his reward for the behaviors he's offering that I have repeatedly asked him for in the past.
Also like... if he is in the way somehow while people are eating or if we're eating something he can't have and I don't want him near us just in case someone drops something (even though he has an extremely solid leave it, still better safe than sorry) then I just tell him to go to his bed??? and then share a little bite of my food with him to reward him for going to lay on his bed if it's safe or give him something else like a couple of small dog treats or a pork chew on his bed if my food isn't dog safe. After that he will stay on his bed and keep being a calm patient boy because he's learned that staying on his bed after being told to go to it means he will continue to occasionally get more treats or small pieces of my dog safe food tossed to him for the duration of his time there until he is released. Often times because he's working so hard to be calm and patient to earn a few bites of my food he just ends up falling asleep next to me or on his bed, which is definitely the opposite of being bothersome. I like to thank him for that patience and calmness by gently waking him up to share the last bite of my food or give him a little treat jackpot and some praise before releasing him.
Maybe I'm a "bad" trainer (lol) but I enjoy spoiling my dogs by sharing some of my dog safe "people food" with them in moderation, and you can definitely share "people food" with dogs without making them annoying or untrustworthy around food. Despite what the person who made that post seems to incorrectly think, simply letting a dog have a taste of "people food" sometimes does not create unwanted bothersome behaviors around food. Rewarding unwanted behaviors that bother you instead of wanted behaviors that don't bother you is what causes that. That's it, that's the sole cause. Like... you could just only share food with them if they're being calm or waiting patiently on their bed or whatever it is you want from them during meal times. Boom, the "bothering" problem is solved and your dog still gets to enjoy a special treat. In fact, my experience as a dog trainer is that the high value and novelty of that special "people food" treat often makes the rewarding of the not-bothering behavior you want from them while you eat much more motivating and effective than giving them one of their regular treats or chews as a reward or distraction, so the settling down not-bothering behavior you want is even more likely to be consistently freely offered up in the future since it is so highly rewarded.
When I've had clients in the past express concerns about causing begging by giving their dogs "people food" or tell me they feel guilty about it because they've been told by people like that poster I saw that it's a bad thing to do in general, this has been my advice to them - not to stop doing the whole sharing thing that makes them and their dog happy, but just to make it more productive for the kind of relationship they want to have with their dog and the behaviors they are wanting to see. It's a simple solution that can turn a meal into a nearly effortless high value training session for teaching settling during household activities and around food, which is something that is a common frustration to achieve for a lot of inexperienced dog owners. If you handle your dogs sometimes being given bits of food scraps as treats this way then everyone wins, especially the people who like to spoil their dogs and share food with them (which is VERY NORMAL TO WANT TO DO BECAUSE WE ARE A SOCIAL SPECIES THAT BONDS THROUGH RESOURCE SHARING) because now those people can turn that desire to spoil their beloved companions into some easy training. Just be sure to consider if ingredients are dog safe or not and be mindful of oversharing and sharing foods with high fat content because maintaining a balanced diet is important for health.
Also that OP apparently doesn't realize this yet based on the wording of their post, but if you have a dog that is at all decently food motivated then just ignoring them while you have food and never sharing is not going to teach them to leave people alone in the presence of food and never try to seek food from anyone. This is especially true if anyone ever accidentally drops something around your dog (it'll happen eventually) and they snag it and self reward because you never actually taught them not to do that, or if anyone else in your house isn't as firm with that boundary or is unable to enforce it consistently and ends up giving them food purposefully or accidentally (as can often happen in households with children or that sometimes invite guests over). "I don't ever share people food with animals in my house starting from day one and I ignore them when food is out so they never learn to even want it to begin with" is not training your dog to leave food or people who are eating food alone. That's doing nothing and hoping that your new puppy or dog doesn't care about the delicious smells of food or people gathering together in the house for food related activities multiple times a day enough that they will quickly get bored and give up on trying to investigate all "people food" related activities for the rest of their lives without you training them, which is an absolutely ridiculous expectation. Just not ever giving a dog any of your food doesn't make it stop smelling like food to them and won't magically make them never be curious about seeing what you have and if they can get some of it. They don't have to be given food by you off your plate to know that it smells interesting or to figure out that seeing you eating it means it might be something they can eat. Having a superiority complex about NOT actually training your new puppy how to act around food and ignoring them as "training" instead is certainly funny, in a "not funny haha, funny weird" kind of way. It's also pretty irresponsible since some foods that humans eat are dangerous to dogs. Instead of just ignoring them when food is around and hoping they'll learn to leave all food that isn't their dog food alone on their own, a responsible owner should actually be actively teaching their dogs to leave food in general alone unless it is offered to them, even when food is left where they can easily get to it.
Anyway, if people could just stop being weird about dogs doing normal dog things and existing in spaces around humans, do some basic research on dog behavior and how dogs learn before getting a dog, actually train their dogs to the minimum level required to make themselves not be regularly upset at their dogs for acting untrained and "bothering" them, and stop developing weird superiority complexes because they get lucky for a while right after bringing home a new dog or puppy and it manages to not cause them any problems or upset them yet... that would be cool.
#sorry just ranting#long post#sometimes uniquely good dogs make bad owners feel like uniquely good owners#when they are in fact not uniquely good owners at all and just have a very intelligent and adaptable and forgiving dog#... or just an easily distracted puppy who cares more about his new toys right now than begging for food or eating the carpet lol#having an easy dog doesn't make someone a better owner or more educated than anyone else#all it means is they have an easy dog#or even a dog that just happens to be easy so far for whatever reason and will not necessarily continue to be easy in the future#superiority complexes in dog ownership and dog training make bad owners and bad trainers and insufferable people to be around#confusing being lucky with being educated or skilled is how egotistical owners who refuse to ever be wrong are made#and when those kinds of owners encounter dogs or situations that aren't easy they make dogs suffer for it#because they can't be wrong so that means the dog is always wrong and therefore the dog must be corrected of their wrongness#the amount of times I have seen that exact scenario play out in front of me even with people who would claim to be experienced trainers...#so many unnecessary corrections given to dogs who are trying but are confused and stressed because their owners don't know wtf they're doin#and don't know how to teach any dog who isn't uniquely easy and intelligent and adaptable like that one dog they had at some point is/was#wonder how that poster will feel in a few months#when their new puppy isn't as easily distracted by anything and everything that they give him to play with or chew on#and starts acting like a teenager with his own sometimes annoying and destructive teenage dog interests#and stops being an incidentally super obedient baby who doesn't really get into trouble yet despite lack of training#baby puppies of biddable breeds will have even the most incompetent owners thinking dog ownership is a cake walk lol#at least for the first 5-9 months - depending on how fast their individual brain starts developing capacity for teenage shenanigans#Hermes would have much rather played with his toys by himself than sit around begging us for food when he was a baby too#and then one day his brain developed enough to realize things existed in the house other than his toys and treat puzzles#and suddenly keeping himself busy with toys became a lot less satisfying for him and managing him stopped being so easy for us#that's just how it goes with babies#one day they wake up mentally#and then you actually have to teach them things so that they don't teach themselves things that you don't want them to learn instead#or you get unlucky and your baby is a little genius from the very start who uses their brain primarily for evil like Eevee lol#to be clear she was still a VERY easy puppy to me lol just so dang smart and aware of everything from the first day we got her home#so she started teaching herself inconvenient things and finding troublesome ways to entertain herself before I expected her to
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What's dunamis, in your words? For the uninitiated
So, with apologies for watering down an already watered down scientific metaphor, there's an anecdote that comes up a lot if you read any sort of pop science books on quantum theory or physics, wherein a professor burns a sheet of paper and tells a class, "All of the information on the paper still exists in the ashes," because in theory, quantum information cannot be destroyed. This analogy is super metaphorical, generally referring to the idea that, for example, anything that gets pulled into a black hole is not in fact lost, it's just beyond our reach, with the understanding that "information" is a highly broad term applied to many, many things and in this realm of physics it has a very particular meaning that most people do not consider when they hear the word 'information,' but this isn't a semiotics lecture.
Anyway, as such, it gets completely misconstrued as the idea of quite literally being able to reconstruct whatever notes or ideas were recorded on that paper, which is not accurate in real world physics. Information as ideas and concepts are not recorded in subatomic particles, at least not in anyway we can access or reconstruct.
However... it could be true in an arcane system, if you wanted it to, cuz why not! And given dunamis's impact on probability, and pulling from alternate timelines and potential, as well as the fact that consecution suggests souls are held within a beacon and then put back into a newly-born body, I'm essentially of the mind that dunamis could take the place of those subatomic particles and, when manipulated in the arcane sense, can be used to essentially reconstruct conceptual information of the universe. (That's the very basic idea, anyway, and I'm just using this for fic fodder, but if you are interested in wading through a very introspective chunk of fic for more, it's mostly in here.)
Which is just slightly to the left (and essentially could be a next possible conjecture) of what Caleb described.
#to the physics folks in the audience I'm sorry for any inaccuracies. you know who you are.#worth noting that egtw does suggest 'holds the elements together' as a possible theory for dunamis#(and I presume it is using elements in the classical sense not the modern sense. to be clear.)#but yeah mostly a pop science idea of quantum information#cuz what is speculative fiction for but annoying actual scientists by perpetuating pop science!!!#for legal reasons this is a joke#also great time to note I do hope anyone who is new around here post wizard tournament clicked on that first fic in my pinned lmfao.#just because the absolute fucking whiplash between wwe and that. I hope somebody experienced that.#dichotomy of megs really.#cr spoilers#(by extension)#cr meta#luxon blogging
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🫶 thanks for responding back! i appreciate all the hard work you’ve planned out for us 🎉 i can’t wait to see more of the darker themes fleshed out at the end of the first part, i will be waiting patiently LOL 👍 in terms of yandere, how bad do you think it will be? what do you have planned in that department?
also i hope you get better soon 😅 please take breaks and certainly take your time!
well ive said that its very mild on the yandere side even later on in the slowburn. its barely yandere more, like... obsession??... at least for the first while. the yandere part is more just there as a warning because I don't want to shock people with the small bit of dark content there will be. i really don't like yanderes that hurt reader (they just don't make sense to me. yandere to me is about having too much love, and you wouldn't hurt someone you loved??) and like,,,, spoiler cut here but like, these are all things that are in the tags/warnings/just information around
i need happy endings. i cant handle even the slightest bit bitter ending it hurts me physically. i am writing a happy ending. it will take grovelling, compromise, and probably fixing the universe but idc. i will uncritically romanticise toxic relationships. i can fix him he can fix me we will fix ourselves for each other. THATS ROMANCE BABEY!!! ITS BEING YOUR BEST SELF BECAUSE YOU LOVE SOMEONE!!! AND YANDERE IS ABOUT LOVE. ITS ABOUT LOVE!!!! ALWAYS LVOE!!!!
#sophie speaks#sophie answers#series:www#i know people want darker content#and like totes respect to that but I'm going to ride the line#we WILL have a happy ending and we WILL have reverse harem ending and I REFUSE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS#YES they will kidnap you NO i don't consider that a dealbreaker. just let me out and say sorry and its fine#i wasnt even sure if id share the fic when I first started writing it#didnt think anyone would like it or its weird jokey/dark/overly sappy/also the weird dynamic all at the same time tone#this is a story about all the parts of life#the good and the bad and the parts you probably shouldn't laugh at but will anyway#im in a bit of a weird place mentally atm. I'm healing and I'm also reverting and I've never experienced dissociation in this form and its.#its confusing. this fic is just meant to be confusing but hopeful. because I'm confused but I'm never not hopeful :)#whatever man if i cant think properly i dont think its really my fault if my silly little fanfiction is too long and wordy and insane#im insane it leaks out#if that wasnt obvious...m
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爆睡 is a great word and should really get more use than it does
#sorry to anyone experiencing 'Queenie in Japan' posting for the first time. I get chatty on here when I'm doing fieldwork#anyway it is not yet 9 pm but I really want to 爆睡#whenever I translate it in my head I'm just like 'explosive sleeping' even though that's incomprehensible in English#Queenie actually says something on this blog
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“Have you ever had your heart broken?”
“The day my dad died.”
Not something I expected to see in the movie, but a line that hits the nail right on the head.
#sorry I’m thinking about this a lot…#rwrb#because yes — this. this right here#and not just about Henry or myself but anyone who has experienced a great loss like this#and sometimes words and explanations if feeling surprise you further years later when you hear them for the first time from someone else#so yes I have had my heart broken before and I’m really not sure there’s anything worse.
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i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.
the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.
and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.
when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.
i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.
i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!
because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?
in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.
like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.
i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.
and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.
i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.
i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.
i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.
but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.
that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.
#tales from diana#long post#sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness#and idk. im tired. im so tired#do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not#thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation#not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again#that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para#i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth#i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to#'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on#the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god#i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him#like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do#earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said#that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild#my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak#like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior#i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task#and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did#i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly#like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW#that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer#a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively#that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him
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yall ever question something bout urself because of an experience someone else had and go " holup i gotta research this one" and a few google searches later ur like "DAMN this one hit a bit too close to home" please tell me this is normal
#second time this has happened to me actually#first time was s33ing a more detailed explanation of someones experience with a specific xenogender#now im actually figuring out what fictionkin means and this quora response to “how do you know if youre fictionkin” got me FUCKED UP#by that i mean ive experienced phantom limbs and a bit of physical dysphoria in the context#i mean ive experienced a shit ton of dysphoria im trans fuck did you expect but whatever yknow in this context#sorry its late at night (8:45 actually wat the hell) and have barely talked to anyone all day so now im alone with my thoughts#mainly because our server was dead all day because these fags were watching hazbin hotel but whatever
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after having experienced the highs and lows of a wlw situationship i felt like the opposite of the straight girls that say they'd have it way easier if they were into women instead
#don't get me wrong at the end of the day i don't trust anyone and men are worse and scarier to me but damn#when you find out you're into women they sell you the fantasy that women could never make you suffer or that#since it's a gay relationship it could never get as bad as straight relationships#like sure there are differences but#at the end of the day all relationships have the potential of being either great or awful#that was not the first time i suffered from being in love with a woman but#i had only experienced unrequited love before that so it hit me like a truck#the realization that someone could be into me and yet still not want the same things i wanted or love me in the way i wanted to be loved#txt#personal#btw the post is a joke obvi idt I'd have it easier with men i think anyone from any gender has the potential to break my heart lol#i guess after everything i was like what the hell i might as well like a man next since I'm suffering like this#but I wasn't expecting for my ex crush to show up and even less so for my feelings for him to return#so inconvenient for him to show up the day i swore off love#ok sorry I'm done fr now
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